Perhaps the person is no longer living, or you no longer have contact with them and reestablishing contact would cause more harm. Sometimes, making direct amends with someone may lead to further harm. For example, if you are estranged from a loved one and they will not see you, your indirect amends may involve reflecting on and modifying the behaviors that led to the estrangement.
Should I Work on Step Eight Alone?
I’m sure you’ve heard that the steps are written in a specific order for a reason. That reason is that each step provides the spiritual preparation we’ll need for the following steps. Never in a million years would we ever have imagined during our using days that we would one day be able to sit down with the people we’ve harmed and make direct amends! This would not be possible without the spiritual preparation we received from the previous steps. When held in the bonds of an addiction, it’s not uncommon for many relationships to feel strain, or to living amends fall apart together.
- On the other hand, making amends involves an active effort to rectify the harm done.
- If possible, schedule a time to speak with them in advance to prepare for the conversation.
- At Silvermist Recovery Center, you can experience one on one care and a customized treatment plan.
- But when I worked this step with my sponsor I realized that I had several issues that I didn’t even realize I needed to make amends about.
- If the response isn’t what you hoped, take time to recenter and self-soothe.
How To Rebuild Relationships
- Becoming a ”better person” means that we are less willing to engage in destructive behaviors, mostly because we are aware of how much they cost us in human misery.
- It might take time for those that you’ve hurt to heal and trust you again.
- Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
- Recognize this as part of their own process, not a reflection of your sincerity or effort.
- If the recovering alcoholic is able to do this, then it demonstrates that they are progressing positively and ready for the tenth step.
Successfully approaching and accomplishing step nine requires the alcoholic in recovery to be willing to go to any lengths to make amends to those individuals whom they have harmed in the past. Apologizing is difficult for many people, and taking responsibility for your actions can be painful as it may remind you of the harm you have caused. However, this provides you with hope and inspiration to become and remain a better person in all future endeavors. The root of many fears and feelings boil down to guilt and shame. Guilt and shame anchor people to their past and trap them in old ways that prevent them from growing and moving on with their lives. By tackling step nine, recovering alcoholics can be freed from their past, including addiction.
Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions Book
We must do these things if we hope to experience the promises listed on pages 83/84 in the Big Book (Into Action). My experience has been that the cards create curiosity and that sometimes causes these people to talk to each other and they find out that you are trying hard to mend your ways and it tends to disarm them. Keeping in mind that, if I can’t add the kicker “I regret what I did, and I don’t do that anymore” then maybe I’m not ready to make that amend yet.
Preparing for Making Amends in AA
Even though we may be eager to rip the Band-Aid off and get an amend over and done with, it’s important that we are not impulsive or careless as we attempt to make amends! Some thought and planning needs to go into it for the best possible outcome. On the flipside of the same AA coin, it is equally important that you don’t procrastinate making amends. Because, based on experience, many recovering individuals have relapsed when they allowed their fears to keep them from doing Step Nine. Dr. Bob, one of our original founders could not stay sober until he went around town and made amends to all those he had hurt.
The Ninth Step: When To Do So Would Cause Harm
It’s a significant stride towards your personal recovery, letting you make peace with your past and stepping forward into a brighter future. But what’s paramount in making amends is the spirit of reconciliation and restoration, a genuine commitment to make things right. It’s about demonstrating, through actions, your understanding of the harm caused and your sincere intention to mitigate it. This rectification might involve restitution — financial compensation for loss, returning items, or dedicating time and effort to help those you’ve harmed. It could also mean challenging your past patterns of behavior and committing to a changed way of living. An accountability partner can play a significant role in this process.
- When first writing your list, don’t worry about including everyone you have wronged.
- By tackling step nine, recovering alcoholics can be freed from their past, including addiction.
- Believing in a Higher Power provides those in recovery with a spiritual aspect that gives them strength and guidance to do the right thing even when it is hard and unlike anything they have done in the past.
- Whether you’ve stolen money from your parents or emotionally abused your partner, at some point, both will require that you offer a heartfelt and sincere apology.
If the recovering alcoholic is able to do this, then it demonstrates that they are progressing positively and ready for the tenth step. The guilt for your wrongdoings will eventually dissipate and by making an apology and amends, you will be able to let go and live. On a similar note, the sixth and seventh steps give recovering alcoholics newfound humility in order to prevent blame, anger, or self-righteousness during their recovery.
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